Tall Tales

[Justapickin]

I found the spot and you are right,there are some big ones in there...:lol:

[Justapickin]

Huntndaddy-BadByte, I actually followed you in a helicoptor with my pet pot bellied mushroom sniffing pig "Rumor" (get it?) and after you left we landed the coptor in the spot where the old barn once stood.

When we got out of the whirlly bird the smell of all of those morels was just too much for Rumor and the little guy passed right out. What do I do now? Go picking or revive the porker?

After putting the chain saw away from cutting those big ones and loading them up in a cargo net with the pig, I took him to the vets . The doctor told me that Rumors olfactory system had shut completly down and he suffered from (smell shock) and would no longer be good for sniffing mushrooms any more. So it looks like ham for Memorial Day weekend and bacon for breakfast.

I'll probably sell a few of those huge shrooms to get myself another pig........Oh did I mention how well morels and ham go together..............Gary

[Justapickin]

Yeah, I've been checking around for another pet to replace good ol' Rumor.He was the best tasting,I mean best pig I ever had.I was on the internet for hours looking around and finally decided on a pelican.Why a pelican you ask?They have great eye sight,gets tired of walking and can fly to the car,has a built in carrying bag for morels,sharp beak for picking delicate fungus,one of the few birds that can smell and they look cool on a leash when you walk them in town.Who knows it might be a chick magnet.:slurp: .Now I just have to pick out a name for it when it arrives......???????

[Frank]

Another Thread that got me to laughing.

I see we have some very talented story tellers on here. We got together this evening with a few friends around a campfire. I was telling them some of your stories.

[Ohio Transplant]

Hay BYTE!!! Shaddup!!! LOL.......just kidding!! Your posts get me to chuckling here

[Justapickin]

BadByte,I know what you mean about wearing out our welcome or boring anyone on this site.This is a nice homey,warm place to come to not like a couple of the big sites I go to that are kind of cold at times.I think it's because this site is specific to one thing were as the others cover 50 topics.Byyyyyyy the way you would NOT have won that talking contes if I had not have been busy that weekend...

[Justapickin]

Seen an haggered old guy come out of the woods this morning stating he had been left behind by his shroom hunting buddy.He kept mummbling about giant morels,a dead pig,a chain saw and aliens.Well after seeing the bottle of Mad Dog in his back pocket,I tought it was the wine talking.After hearing about the Sport track being stuck,I knew the story was true because everyone knows about Chevys.He said he was hungry but could'nt get the hornets,yellow jackets,badgers,cyotes and rattle snakes away from the dead pig so he could get him a snack.I dropped him off at the Cruddy Slipper Resturant,were he planned on having a pork brain,scambled eggs,grape jam on raisin bread sandwich.The last thing he said as I pulled away was something about revenge!!!!!!:frown:

[miker]

Last post was great BadByte, yes and teach them well, the true meaning of the forest, how to respect,honor and behave in it, not something we trash,abuse and ignore. miker
p.s the other posts were hilarious also, laughed so hard, my ankle hurt.miker

[Deerslayer]

badbyte
tell us a story about used car salesmen and morels...plzzzzzzzz
ds

[Deerslayer]

BB
you sure you haven't gotten hold of some of them funny shrooms...hehehe
ds

[Justapickin]

Hmmm,never thought of looking in squirrel nest but did have the same problem in one of my best areas.After a long think it came to me-AHHA it must be the bear family,7' 400lb baby-Jethro,average size mama-Birdy and tiny guy dad-Beuford.So I strolled up to the door of thier den and knocked.Jethro answered the door,after telling him of the missing morels,I asked to speak to that pants wearing mom of his and he says"maw that big tattooed feller is here and daaaa he wants to speak at yer".When Birdy comes to the door I explain about the need to not hog all the shrooms(I could smell the cream of morel soup cooking in the kitchen).Well ol' Birdy blew up and started snarreling,huffing and puffing so I pulls a Davey Crockett on her and tried to grin her down,well ol' Birdy slapped the grin right off of my face and it landed in a basket of mushrooms.I try to yell for help from Beuford(humf o dumf o doy o mumfffff) but he could'nt answer me since his grin had been slapped of years ago.I grabbed the basket of morels that had my grin in it and got out of Dodge with the bears close behind.I finally got back to my truck and stopped at K- mart for some super glue for my grin and things are fine now...........moral of story...............DON'T believe anything you read about Davey Crockett

[Deerslayer]

I stand corrected, hehe...little buggers, must be a bunch of them around watchin where i pick em, cuz they sure seem to be disappearing before i get there this year.......:blank:

[Justapickin]

BadByte, you can put out some pretty good ones yourself on the old intergalcticalcyberfonicalized air wave typing machine....

[Deerslayer]

badbyte
now your talkin:thumbup: I think bbq squirrel and Morels would go good together :slurp:

[miker]

Hey you guys, please stop, I was laughing so hard at these last posts, I started to cry, and spilt my beer, then I really began to cry.miker

Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough, with all these humorous posts.
This has becme my number 1 "view" on the board. Keep it up guys.
"Humor is the best medicine". Thank you all again miker

[Deerslayer]

beer abuse :scold: good evening miker

[Justapickin]

BadByte,good story.It kind of had an "AIR" about.Did you try lemon juice and sand paper to get rid of the smodorifericeskunkanonias smell?

[Justapickin]

Yep those skunks are pretty nasty critters to say the least.The last encounter I had with on was a few days before the bear incident.I reached over a log to get a 6" morel and there it was,tail up and ready for action.I snatched the shroom and ran out of the woods at speeds not yet known to man.I was moving so fast that I produced a double sonic boom and my eye lids were stretched over my fore head and flapping like window shades.After I got the fire put out on my clothes from re-entry.I got to thinking about how lucky I was to miss the sand blasting I would of had to endure if I had been sprayed....moral of story..........????Aint one for this

[Justapickin]

Lots of fun aint it,I just wonder how the other members feel about our stories?Like I said before I hope that I don't wear out my welcome here...It's pretty good of Frank and Debbie to let us cut up like this and I'd like to thank them for it....THANKS.....Gary

[Justapickin]

BB,Yeah those farmers are something else.I was out riging around looking for a spot to go picking and as I go by this farm house I spot a three legged pig on the porch lying next to the old farmer.I let my curiosity(stuptity)get the best of me and I stopped to ask about the pig.The farmer tells me about the pig waking up the family when the house caught fire and saving them,running off some burglers and going to the mail box to get the mail and paper every day.When asked about why the pig only had three legs the farmer replied in a southern drawl "Well you don't expect us to eat a pig that smart all at one time ,do ya".....I could only shake my head as I left and think of ol' Rumor......

[Debbie]

Let you be yourselves??? Does that mean there is a choice here?? lmao I was laughing so hard at the skunk stories I was crying. Frank had to come in to see just why I'd lost control! :grinteeth

Debbie

[Justapickin]

BadByte,how in the world do you stand up wind from yourself?No wonder you get so many mushrooms there is two of ya.

[miker]

BadByte, reminds me of my grandpa,be sitting there minding my own business, and a good crack all of a sudden,"what was that for"? Fur vat you gut avay wid zesterday"miker

[Ohio Transplant]

one time back in 6th grade in the cafeteria, me and this kid were flipping corn back and forth at each other with our spoons. I mean clear across the room. He flipped a kernal and it landed just under my left nostril just as I sniffed. It went clear through the system and out my mouth. Course I payed him back.......wrestled him to the ground on the playground and stole his chocolate cake.

[miker]

Rex, laughing my azz off, did you eat the cake? I stuck a rock up my nose once when I kid. Can still remember mom reachin up in there with those bacon tongs to pull it out. miker

[Justapickin]

Don't want to gross anyone out here but I don't put anything in my nose but my finger,,,Anyways this uppity(folks had money) girl in the 3rd grade kept telling the teacher that she felt ill,just as the bell was ringing at the end of the day she cut loose and started barfing.Her mistake was trying to hold it in with her hands and a whole pea shot out of her nose and hit Larry*******in the back of the neck and weny down his shirt collar,After seeing that I almost lost it and started honking.For the rest of the year we nick named her "Pea Shooter"

[Justapickin]

Well I finally got my pet pelican to train to hunt shrooms a week ago..I named him Gravy (you ever see pelican pooh?)

I let him off of his leash while out training and he must have ingested the dread Devils Dirty Sock mushroom and I found him dead this morning (I have the worst luck with pets).I just could'nt believe he was dead so I took Gravy to the vets. The doc says yep him dead alright but I have two things to try to confirm it.

So he leaves the room and comes back with a Tabby and it smells Ol' Gravy and jumps down and runs out of the room. Next the doc brings in a Retriever and it smells of the dead pelican and runs out of the room. There you have it Gravy is dead for sure.

I scoop up Ol' Gravy and his little cowboy hat falls off so I ask the vet how much I owed him real qiuck so I would'nt start to cry and he tells me $250.00.
Well now, that brought me out of my depession real fast, so I ask the doc hows come so much to to tell me Gravy was dead.

The vets reply was $100.00 for the Cat scan, $100.00 for the Lab work and $50.00 for the office call.................

[Tracey]

LOL!!! Justapickin. Loved all the stories! Keep 'em comin' guys!

[Justapickin]

Ahhhh! the Men in Black..........BadByte,let us know if they had on sunglasses and ear phones........

[abilene7]

OMG you guys are too funny! i've been out of the loop for a while when my hard drive went bad. Installed the new one, got online to see what I've missed on the old mushroom site, and I see this tall tales thread with like nine pages to it! Man all the good stuff goes on while I'm not around! lol

My family already thinks I'm a little off for being so obsessed with mushrooms and the shroom site but now they are wondering why reading about shrooms is so funny today! I'm gonna have my husband read all your stories when he gets home. Maybe he'll tell a few of his own (he has some really UNUSUAL buck stories.....and some fish stories....hmmm....maybe he'll fit in here!)

Thanks for the laughs though! :grin:

[Justapickin]

Thats what we need on the ol' Tall Tales thread, more input from members to keep it going.Abilene7 can't wait to read your hubbies stories.

[abilene7]

Psssssttttt: a little warning: he MIGHT get carried away with tales about cars too.....it's a bit of an obsession in our house.....so hopefully he doesn't bore anyone or diss on a make/model someone else loves! :blank:

I'll tell him to stick to the woods and see if he can follow orders...err, i mean suggestions! LOL

[Justapickin]

Dicided to take a trip around the U.S. to look for shroom hunting spots for next year. Could'nt decide on how to travel (STAGE COACH,PLANE-TRAIN -AUTOMOBILE). And finally picked MY MOTHER THE CAR.
Out on ROUTE 66 I seen a group of people along the road and it turns out to be the ADAMS FAMILY and the BRADY BUNCH and come to find out they are ALL IN THE FAMILY.

As I get into FARGO, I stop for a bite at ALICES RESTURANT and got a plate that was called HAMBURGER HILL. On my way to OKLAHOMA I ran into two MIAMI VICE that were looking for PUBLIC ENEMY but he must have made it to CASABLANCA.

For the DAYS OF OUR LIFES I could'nt figure out wich way to go, so I picked as THE WORLD TURNS and went WESTWARD BOUND. As I got in to Arizona and the desert, could'nt help but to be reminded of DEATH VALLEY DAYS and could'nt wait for the cool breezes of the HIGH CHAPPERALL. I stops at a rest area and found a 100,000 DOLLAR BAR and thought "what a BONANZA.

I only had one flat and the garage sent the THREE STOOGES to fix it. I spent the night at the HOTEL CALIFORNIA, and get an early start on the OREGAN TRAIL. When I finaly get to see the STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO all that is around are the ODD COUPLES. A storm was a brewing and the sky turned the color of GUNSMOKE and I thought what STORMY WHEATHER. ON THE ROAD AGAIN I stop at the GUNS OF NAVARON gunshop to look around and bought the FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST.

On my way home I picked up a hitch hiker named Old Roy, he smelled of cheap wine and helium and was mumbling something about floating morels and some kind of picking contest and as I dropped him off he tried to pay me for the ride with a set of keys, which I declined to take. As I pulled in to the driveway I thought how BEWITCHED I was to make such a journey and never did stop to look for shrooming spots...........

[Justapickin]

Yeah BadByte,maybe I'll turn on the radio:blues: :hippe:

[Princess Roon]

OMG! I finally stopped cracking up! BadByte and Justapickin, you two should do standup together or somthing... thanks for the laughs!

[Justapickin]

P R,What would we name ourselfs....Badpickins or Justabyte...?

[Justapickin]

I forgot to add that we all need a little humor in life.My dad has been fighting cancer since last September and the long term prognosis is'nt good,The war in Iraq,the economy and the other things that get us down can be made a little easier with some levity.....Well enough of the sad stuff and back to the sillies......

[Justapickin]

YES,I was wrong that ONE or TWO times and I admit it.I am still suffering the psycological effects of such a mental glitch of astronomical proportions.What was I thinking or was I thinking at all.The last time I was wrong was in 1970.I ate the wrong type of mushroom and it caused me to write tall tales on the internet,but after some herbal tea and a good colon cleansing I got over it until this last time I was WRONG.There I have aired my dirty laundry in public and I hope everything is forgiven...........

[Justapickin]

Abilene7 & BadByte,I see you have pet rocks.The luck I have with pets maybe I should concider getting me one or two.Abilene,you nemed yours Dave and Dave after Megadeth,where did you find them at Hanger 18?Sure would like to find one but then again it would probably die on me but I could be WRONG....

[abilene7]

Why yes, Justapickin, I did find Dave and Dave in Hangar 18. Actually it was while I was giving birth to my two kids who are also named after Megadeth (for real, they are Victoria and Justice--one's after Victor Rattlehead and Dave Mustaine's son is Justus)....so I thought it appropriate to take a pet rock from the hangar each time I was there! THeRE was also a salesman there who announced PEACE SELLS, but i said WHO'S BUYING? LOl

I figured I'd take the rocks home otherwise they'd just RUST IN PEACE, and I have to say I was worried about what kind of pets they'd make. But SO FAR SO GOOD, SO WHAT! :eyeroll:

[Justapickin]

Abilene7,I hope we don't have a Countdown to Extinction with everyone geting pet rocks.I guess I'll have to hang on by the Skin O'My Teeth and see if I can still find one...

[abilene7]

Well if no one else would be able to get anymore, I would surely be IN MY DARKEST HOUR! I would probably start SWEATING BULLETS and find myself ANGRY AGAIN! But then again you might just be PARANOID about how many others are out there making pets of rocks! But rocks are still better because all the "other" pets have 99 WAYS TO DIE! I couldn't deal with the grief!

[Justapickin]

Yep things have been a little slow around here.It sure would make it easier to sit here if I had me one of them there JC Penny chairs instead of these two milk crates.

[Justapickin]

As soon as my memory comes back to me from the fall down the basement steps I'll have to try to remember the story about the worst case of explosive diahrea and spontanious human compustion I ever had...........all in one day I might add.:frown:

[abilene7]

Justapickin, did that D-word story happen to involve eating beefsteaks? LOL Because I have heard some doozies on that but those dang fools who tell them swear to G_D that they aren't poisonous, as they clutch their middle and run for the porcelain goddess to start worshipping!

And hey anyway, what's wrong with milk crates for chairs? We have them all over the house and I haven't heard no complaints from the company....wait, come to think of it, no one's been coming over lately....could be you all got me on to something here....

[abilene7]

Well guys, I just got up this morning! Was up late into the night last night picking shrooms! We spent all day tilling my garden which is huge (yes I know it's a little late but oh well).....anyway, while we were pushing the rototiller I announced that I smelled that smell of shrooms! My old man of course thought I was nuts but after reading some opinions on here I told him where to go and made him stop the rototiller so I could look!

And sure enough, there in the dirt were 4 little tiny morels!! So of course where there are any there must be more nearby so I declared all work on the garden was DONE! Got the whole family looking for these things. Well I must say we found them in some pretty bizarre spots---under the huge rock pile next to the garden, under the Suburban which hasn't moved in like a year and a half, between the strawberry plants, and right out in the dirt we just tilled. So I picked about a bushel and then had the man till again. And sure enough, about 20 more popped up. So I think some of you guys are on to something when you talk about disturbing the mycellium and then they pop! Geesh, if I'd've known they were right there under my garden soil all this time, I sure would've gotten to work out there before Mother's Day like all the normal people do!:eyeroll:

Well we picked well into the night, using our redneck truck fixing lights (sort of like stadium lights but shorter!), flooded that garden with light! Anyway you won't believe it--that must've heated them up some because they just kept popping up right before our eyes. Phew--that was a lot of bending over so i just plopped right down and started eating them right there by the handfuls! :hungry:

And to think how many hours I've spent combing the forests when all I had to do was use my sniffer in my favorite spot of all out back. So for next year I'll set up a table and chair and maybe some lemonade, chill while he tills (hey I'm a poet), then start just-a-pickin...... sure will be easier!!:cool:

So how was everyone else's weekend??

[abilene7]

Yep and when the buckets stop producing, I'll just use the tunnel you suggested to go right out there and get some fresh dirt for more to pop up! Golly I'm set for maybe 5 or 6 years I'll bet!

Next on the agenda: teach the dog not only to sniff and track them, but to fetch them (gently) and bring some in the house every day for dinner time. I'll even share with her if she can master this!

[shroom vaccuum]

FORGET THE DOG IF SHE'S ANYTHING LIKE MINE. I TOOK HER TO THE WOODS TO SEE IF I COULD TEACH HER TO FIND THEM FOR ME. JUST GAVE HER A TASTE. REALLY GOOD AT FINDING THEM. PROBLEM IS EVERY ONE SHE FINDS SHE GOBBLES UP. NOW I DON'T ALOW HER ANYWHERE NEAR THE WOODS THIS TIME OF YEAR!

[Justapickin]

Thats cool,maybe you can train a gopher to pick them from underneath,that way you don't have to till for them.....

[Justapickin]

I would offer to train the gopher for you but the luck I have with pets(remember Rumor and Gravy)I would just be asking for trouble.You could name it Go-fer as in go-fer more mushrooms...