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Old Jan 5, 2009, 7:54 am   #1
Happy Trails
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Name: George
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This post will either fix you up or mess you up

WHEW!! And we wonder why Spanish is on-track to becoming our official language!!!!!

Read to the end or maybe not. . . a new twist.....
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP' .

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write-UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP .!

Oh . . . one more thing: WHAT'S IT MEAN WHEN A PERSON SAYS, "UP YOURS?"


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Oh well, I won't keep this up .....

Eat Dessert First, Life Is Short!
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Old Jan 5, 2009, 8:23 am   #2
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

And people wonder why we murder the Queens English....
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Old Jan 5, 2009, 9:18 am   #3
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Talking Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

whew. now im all screwed up. a mind is a terrible thing to waste.good one.
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Old Jan 5, 2009, 11:40 pm   #4
Name: Brad
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

I've been teaching my kids English...... And you just Screwed up ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!

Thanks George..... Now its gonna be all that much harder to explain our language to them.....
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Old Jan 6, 2009, 9:32 am   #5
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

After reading those I thought of a story that was told while I was in High School. We had a foreign exchange teacher from Russia and one of the teachers from our school was going to teach her how to drive. She had very limited time behind the wheel, but knew the basics. So anyway...They get in the car and the teacher from here says, "Ok. Go ahead and back up." And I guess she just sat there. The teacher asked if she was ok and she replied, "Which one do you want me to do? Go forward or go back?" The teacher didn't even realize why she would of thought to pull forward until he said it again and then realized how it was taken. "Go ahead and back up."


Just when you think you aren't going to find any morels, something pushes you to climb that next hill. And once you get over that hill, guess what you find? That's right. NOTHING!
-Me explaining to my in-laws about morel hunting
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Old Jan 6, 2009, 9:30 pm   #6
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

Just like, how do screw things up, when I was always taught you have to screw things down? mike
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Old Jan 6, 2009, 9:57 pm   #7
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

Okay another example, why do we need bare,bear and Bayer? If I said I had a cross to bear, would you understand? If I said I saw a bear woman today? Would you understand? If I said, I had a headache, took 2 bear and went too bed? would you understand?
And why doesn't donkey rhyme with monkey?mike
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Old Jan 9, 2009, 2:52 am   #8
Name: Frank
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

Good joke and good thread.


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Old Feb 13, 2009, 2:44 pm   #9
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

A lot of fun.
And if you enjoyed this you can check out the book "Crazy English" By Richard Lederer.
It's full of similar English antics.
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Old Feb 13, 2009, 2:57 pm   #10
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Re: This post will either fix you up or mess you up

George, what is going to take to fix me up again ? you know, get me back to normal.? Or is it to late now.?

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire,but it takes a whole box to start a campfire??

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