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Old Dec 31, 2007, 1:32 am   #1
Frank
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Beware of us "Old People".

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peantus, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handufl of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he aks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yoruself?

"We cant chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 1:52 am   #2
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The great Christmas present

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this, you may be related to one of them)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Debbie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home . I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Debbie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, our cat Chanty looking on intently(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Chanty (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Chanty looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don 't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and OH MAMMA! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again !'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and left eye were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for other things! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 1:59 am   #3
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 2:24 am   #4
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Speaking of wives

Speaking of wives....

Do you know the difference between a single gal and a married gal?

The single woman looks in the fridge to see what might be good in there, and then goes to bed.
A married woman wooks in the bed to see what might be good in there, and then goes to the fridge!
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 2:31 am   #5
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 8:24 am   #6
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LMAO.....
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 9:36 am   #7
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HA! The difference between the married/single gal is great Frank! AND...My wife agrees!
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Old Dec 31, 2007, 6:04 pm   #8
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Frank,I'm surprized that there was'nt a "brick" somewhere in those jokes....
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Old Jan 1, 2008, 10:16 pm   #9
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LMAO!
Most Hilarious thing I have heard in awhile!
I am so glad Chanty wasn't part of the experiment!
Good One Frank!

Wait.....I don't remember you having a mantel
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